The Man Who Went to the Toilet and Never Came Back

Everyone hated the man.

The man always picked his nose and ate it and the man kept making his house bigger and bigger with more and more toilets, even though it was just him who lived there and went to the toilet.

All the builders had to pretend they liked the man, because they were building the house and the man kept giving them lots of money to do that.

The builders got used to the man picking his nose and eating it. But they never got used to this annoying thing the man did when they were building.

“That brick needs to be 0.00001mm that way,” the man would say many times a day, only after the cement had dried and the brick was stuck hard to the other bricks. The builder would have to pull the brick off the other bricks with his hands because the man didn’t buy them any tools. Then the builder would have to lay the brick again. Then the man would wait for the cement to dry again. Then the man would come back to the same brick and say to the builder, “That brick needs to be 0.00001mm the other way.” He did that a thousand times for every single brick. I forgot to mention, it took the builders seventy years to build one wall and the house was very big and had a lot of walls.

One day, the man went on holiday. When he was on holiday, the builders built another toilet. It was the future now, so this thing had been invented that was a vacuum cleaner that shot the dust straight into space.

The builders bought the biggest one of those vacuum cleaners, but they didn’t use it for dust. They made a toilet out of it instead and the bit that sucks up the dust was the bit where you pee and poo.

When the man came back from holiday, the builders told the man they had built him a new toilet and it was the best toilet in the world.

“Where is the toilet?” said the man.

“Next to the room with the pool table,” said the builders.

“How do I get to the room with the pool table?” said the man, picking his nose.

“It’s to the left of the room with the bouncy castle,” said the builders.

“How do I get to the room with the bouncy castle?” said the man, eating it.

“You go down the helter skelter that’s in the room with the McDonald’s.”

“How do I get to the McDonald’s?”

“You take the monorail to the east wing.”

“Monorail? East wing?”

That conversation went on for seventy years because the house the builders had built was so big. Then it took the man another seventy years to actually get to the vacuum cleaner toilet after the builders gave him the directions.

He really needed to pee by the time he got there. He was bursting so bad that he didn’t even notice the toilet was a vacuum cleaner and not really a toilet. He felt so good after doing a pee in the vacuum cleaner that he didn’t even notice that the flush was not really a flush and was actually the ON button for the vacuum cleaner.

He pressed it and the vacuum cleaner sucked him in by the willy.

It was very far into the future now. Binoculars had been invented that could see into space properly and the builders bought the space binoculars and watched the man get shot into space by the willy from the east wing.

Then they watched the man float further and further into space for seventy years. Then they watched the man get his arms eaten by space crocodiles. Then they watched the man get his willy chopped off by a space animal with scissors instead of a nose. Then they watched a comet drag the man into a black hole that led to a planet that didn’t have any toilets. Then they watched the man living on that planet for seventy million years with no toilet so he just had to hold it in the whole time.

Then all the builders died of old age. But they died happy and their children got to live in the house they built.



Twitter Toilet



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